5 month reflection

WOW, think is a really long entry, and I could have kept writing!  Hopefully it makes for somewhat interesting reading.  Also, check-out new photos at www.maletz.smugmug.com.

A note about this entry

Before reading this blog entry (and this is especially a note to mothers who have had singleton babies) please understand that this is a personal stream of thoughts and emotions and not meant to offend a soul.  I say this because I don’t want to tell lies about my experience and sugarcoat it in my memory.  I want to write about the great and not-so-great times and all the thoughts that run through my head.  This is my outlet for sharing my world and will serve as my memory of this first year of life for my little ones, and for me as a mother.  If I had started with one baby, I am sure I would have had an equally emotional journey and I think anyone who becomes a mother should be saluted for this undeniably life-changing, difficult, but wonderful task.  But I started with two babies, so my experience is that much different, but is it?  I will never know I guess.  This is this only point of view I will ever have.  (can I just say that I don’t even want to know the point of view of twins mothers who additionally have other children…eek!)

 

 

Jude at 5 months

 

 

 

5 month reflection

Monday, Zoe Ella and Jude Isabella turned 5 months old!!!!!!  I can’t believe it.  Foggy in my mind are the memories of surviving those first weeks of recovering, crying, breastfeeding, sleeping or not sleeping, traveling, having guests, having help, sickness, etc, etc, etc.  It is unclear to me how we have made it this far on such little sleep and the loss of our independent lives, but somehow these major life changes have ended up for the better.  Josh and I could not have possibly envisioned the love we have for these two little unique creatures.  Sometimes I wake up in the night and want to wake them up to hug them.  Of course I don’t. LOL.

Our moments with these girls are filled with so much love that I just kiss on them all day long.  I have lately had the feeling of sadness to think that they won’t always be babies and they are indeed growing up so fast.  I want to remember what it is like to hold them and have them think that Josh and I are the center of their universe because this is our only chance to do this.  These will be our only children.  I couldn’t imagine starting all over while I had two toddlers who needed me.  I would feel so torn apart.  It was the right decision for us.  I know that extremely fun times are to come but even Josh acknowledged how important it is to him to take in every single second right now as it passes.  Luckily, we don’t have much time to ourselves to dwell on this and these moments are fleeting because there is too much happiness to be had.  We really look forward to traveling with the girls and going on adventures as a family. 

I am not sure why I feel like sharing such an extensive entry at 5 months versus 6 months.  It must be because we are at a huge turning point from them being strictly baby to becoming a “little older acting.”  A lot is going on in those little noggins and it is incredible to watch.  Here are some things they are working on every day:

• LOVE LOVE LOVE the toe sucking – they both do it and it is very funny and oh so cute.
• Jude rolls around her bed, never staying in one place to sleep.  She also tries to lift her head up from a back laying position to sit up.
• Zoe flails her arms constantly.  When she wants you to pick her up or when she wants to get anywhere but where she is.  Sometimes it seems so much like she is trying to tell you something and gets frustrated that you can’t figure it out.
• Both girls are working hard at the beginnings of crawling and sitting up.  They can each sit unassisted for about 5 seconds now (don’t laugh – that is a long time in baby time) and don’t fall flat forward anymore.  They do not like laying on their backs much.  They both hate tummy time because they move their legs and arms and get nowhere.  If you put your arms behind their feet they will scooch themselves but have not figured out how to do this on their own.
• Both girls are teething and love an ice cube wrapped in a washcloth. 
• Zoe and Jude really like playing with each other.  Many times it is dualing feet in each others faces.  They make eye contact and smile and coo a lot and they also smile at Bo (our black lab) and watch him walk around the room.  I am sure one day they will be great friends.  Jude loves to roll over by Zoe and try to suck the closest part of her body, which Zoe is always bewildered at.  Hee hee.
• They both love to grab your face, especially the mouth or nose, and of course the hair.  They have a death grip so after a couple times, I started keeping my hair pulled back!
• They are both very very vocal, small laughs, but big screams of delight, or just for no reason, as if they have discovered their voices abilities to change pitch from loud to screeching. (this can be applied with a happy tone or angry tone…heh heh)
• We are on the verge of starting rice cereal.  I wanted to hold out to 6 months but it is not going to happen!

I read in a twin’s book that it isn’t really possible to love your twins equally.  That jolted me, but it doesn’t mean what you would think it to mean.  Of course you love them both as strongly as the other, but for very different reasons, and I think that is the point the book was trying to make.  Zoe smiles all day long, until she has to go to bed or get dressed after a bath, then this pitiful scream/cry erupts that disappears the millisecond after you pick her up…very sly.  She is very funny and I love how even-keeled she is – basically willing to try anything and for the most part very patient and persistent.  She stays interested for a long time.  Jude is a volatile little girl who can yell at you for one thing only to laugh at you if you make a funny “your in trouble” face and tell her you are going to “spank her bottom.”  A good example is naptime.  Jude will scream for approximately 10-15 seconds (it is a very dramatic scream) as her eyes are closing and she falls instantly asleep.  She just needs to have the final word, that’s all (sounds like me!)  Make her voice heard.  She also has her mom’s level of patience.  And let me tell you – when Jude falls asleep with her legs hanging through the slats in the crib, DO NOT try to correct her.  She WANTS to sleep like that.  This girl knows what she wants.  But she is also every bit of a darling as Zoe is.  You are not supposed to label your twin’s personalities this early.  Well, I can do it as their mom but I don’t want to hear anyone else’s opinions…heh heh.  That is what that really means.  Of course they are developing personalities, that will surely evolve and change.  They work perfectly together like a little puzzle.  It is a truly amazing thing to watch.  It is very, very rare that they cry at the same time.  One politely waits until the other one is finished, then let’s me have it.  That is so considerate.  It is mom who draws the short stick, however, I hear I should get used to that for a while…heh heh.

 

 

Zoe at 5 months

 

 

 

OUR TYPICAL DAY

By now we are in a pretty good pattern.  Pattern, not schedule.  It would seem that even though many mothers of multiples rely on a schedule, my girls had a different idea.  So we follow a pattern, which might on some days look like a schedule and eventually become a schedule (with any luck.)  This experience has been a good lesson for me to “let go” and I can say I have pretty much done that.  Especially with feeding, in order to keep my milk supply up feeding on demand works much better that feeding every 3 hours, so that is what we do many times a day. J

 (I am using specific times as a general example but their start time can vary give or take 1 hour)

• 7:30 am – Girls wake up for the day & tandem feed for about 5-8 mins.  Sit in high chairs with toys and watch mommy/daddy have coffee, clean kitchen, etc
• 8:45 am – 9:00 am – Feed each individually and put in swings for first naps (we are starting to intermittently nap in the crib)
• 9:45 am – Zoe usually up, Jude about 10-15 mins behind her.  Play time – This can entail sitting in bumbo chairs with toys, practicing sitting in boppy to cushion their fall (their favorite right now), tummy time on floor or play gym if they are too tired still.  Sometimes we all lay on floor on our backs and play with chew toys while I show them pictures and read from board books I hold in the air.  Then I usually rough them up some – they like tummy zerberts, patty cake, and other assorted antics I have cooked up – they of course love to be tickled and practice standing up and sitting up, they also like to be lifted in the air like superman.  If we are going to get out for a walk – this is the time we usually do it.
• Between 11:00 am – noon depending on their tired signs, we feed individually and go down for Nap #2.  This nap can range from 60 mins – 3 hours, but is usually around 2 hours.
• 2:30 pm – feed individually upon wake-up
• Play time again for 1-2 hours, then back down for a nap in the 4:00 pm hour – Nap #3 is always very short – 45 mins
• 4:30 pm – 5:00 pm – tandem feed, then play (sometimes watch a cartoon if they are interested from swings and mommy tired) and watch the clock for daddy to get home
• 6:00 pm – Bath-time, feed, then down for bedtime – usually what happens is they make it for 1-2 hours and then need to get up for a while before going to sleep for real!  So we usually get them to bed by 9:30 – 10:30 for the night – this is an improvement from midnight so hopefully soon they will be down by 7:00 pm at latest for good.  It has been hot here so it is harder to sleep (we are getting an air conditioner…yay) 
• Between 10:00 pm and 7:00 am – our girls have mostly been up 1 time a night at different times.  Right now they are in a big growth spurt.  I know this because during the night they wake up every 60-90 mins to feed – I am averaging a piece-mealed 3-4 hours a night.  Hopefully this will pass soon and we will get back to sleeping.  They are so distracted during the day I also don’t think they are eating as much.  Oh Joy! 

 AND ON MY BAD DAYS – THOUGHTS OF SELF-PITY (days I don’t want to remember but must acknowledge):

It is only right to express the hardest times openly.  On my worst, mad-at-the-world days I ponder the following self-pitying thoughts (bear in mind most of these days are when I am surviving on less than 3 hours of sleep and the girls, even though they were up all night, don’t feel the need to make up for it with any naps lasting longer than 45 minutes):

• Sometimes I look at mothers of singletons with longing and think they are so lucky to be completely immersed in their one baby, to be able to play with them and love them without any distraction, to hold them all day if they want to, to be focused 100% on one little creature and then when they are exhausted, hand that precious little one to their partner so that they can have a break and not worry.  They don’t have to hear their baby cry while waiting their turn to eat or play or just be loved.  This is such a jealous thought I have, but it creeps up on me often when I can’t do the things yet that they can do, like go out to eat or shop (two things I love to do.)  The kicker is I am sure it is just as trying on them sometimes.  I have to really decide to do things with singleton mothers on days that I have had enough rest, otherwise these feelings will surely sour my day (and attitude) at the first sign of trouble from my girls.  This is just how it is.
• Not only do I have to guide the growth and development of two babies, but I have to try to experience and remember these moments because these are the only children I will have, and I can’t possibly ever hold them enough for my liking.  So when people caution me of holding too much because of spoiling, I would like to tell them to go fly a kite!  They couldn’t possibly understand until they have walked in my shoes.
• I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.  Honestly, I really wouldn’t.  And that is not coming from a bad place – I just know people who think they know what it is like have no idea.  Remember, these are thoughts on a bad day.  I also have no regrets after having my two precious girls and would absolutely die without them, but when people tell me (and they constantly do) that “they always wanted twins”, I want to say, “it is so easy to say that but believe me you shouldn’t wish for it unless you have a healthy fund to hire a helper!”
• Some weeks I wish I was going to a job so I could just drop them off for someone else, maybe more experienced to watch, and I could be an adult again. (but I don’t really wish this of course)
• I am most lonely feeling on these days

 AND ON MY GOOD DAYS (which luckily now far outnumber the bad ones):

• I think and I know that I AM SO LUCKY to have had twins.  There are so many special things that happen daily and it is so fun to watch them interact I can’t imagine the fun that is coming in the years ahead!  It is a special present to get more than one baby when there are so many who struggle to conceive at all.  Believe me, I remind myself of my good fortune all the time – I do not take it for granted and I am very, VERY thankful everyday that these two precious girls were given to us. 
• I know how lucky I am to be able to stay home and raise my children, and that not everyone gets that opportunity. 
• We laugh and dance and act goofy all the time.  I said I would do it without a bunch of toys…HAH AHAHAHAHAHAHA…what a moron.  My living room is filled with colorful contraptions and noisemakers.  It is very fun and cheerful.  I also said I wouldn’t turn on the TV….HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
• I no longer worry about getting anything done.  As soon as I realized that my best choice of priority was interacting with my girls, and not cleaning the house, my stress became MUCH more manageable.
• We actually get out for a walk (WITH my dog Bo) or a trip the store.  We get plenty of attention but it feels more good than annoying.  When we get home I congratulate my little family and give us all pats on the back for our little, but important accomplishment.

 THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE – a special call-out to those who have helped me through these months:

• My mother Nancy – she was there for me for their first two weeks of their life and has since traveled to Denver two more times!  She tirelessly helps me whether it be on the phone or through email.  She is returning again in September.  I wish we lived closer but I cannot convince her to move.  J  Still, I talk about her to the girls every day. (by the way, dad is the rock beside her so I have to give him some credit…heh heh…these girls sure do love their grandpa…don’t let him tell you different because he will try)
• Josh’s mother Sonja – she came out twice early on when we needed it most and it made a big difference in our sanity.  (another callout to Grandpa Maletz who also visited, but I am sure he will play a bigger role when they get older and he can rough them up a bit…heh heh)
• Amy (my sister) and Sheri (my sister-in-law) – Here are the first two people I call when I have an overactive imagination, legitimate concern, or want to complain and whine.  They have been very patient with me.  Thank goodness for Skype – when I am lonely my sister and I webcam with screaming kids and it feels like she is in the room with me.
• My Denver relatives Bob & Linda – I have spent many an afternoon at the Kunkler’s house and they have opened their arms wide to feed me, support me, and to most importantly…hold a baby!  (well, Linda does the holding – Bob is too afraid and I can’t really blame him)
• My Denver relatives Bob & Betty – I have visited their house 3 or 4 times since the babes were born and it is fun to see Aunt Betty ooh and aah…she always tells me how much she loves them.  It feels good!
• My friends – Laura, Kalie, Lisa, Summer, Lindsay, Jaime, Michelle, Vonda, and Jody.  These people have done SO much for me since the beginning and I am forever grateful.  I could write a whole other entry about just them but let’s just say they have kept me sane by bringing meals, letting me hang out at their houses all day, coming to hang out at my house when I just didn’t have it in me to leave, held babies tirelessly even through crying, offered their free time to me during the week even though I know they are busy and would rather relax themselves, thrown me beautiful baby showers, taken walks in the park with me, ventured out shopping with me, the list goes on and on, but the most important thing is that they are still in our lives, they have not disappeared, and I am grateful to every one of them for loving us and being there. (special call out to my friend Jaime who is in Chicago but keeps in contact constantly through blogging, email and cell phone.  And to my neighbor Summer, it is so nice that we can just pop over to each other’s houses and bounce off new ideas and old complaints off of each other.  I am not sure how life would be without her so close.  She is also a fabulous blogger…check it out…www.queenbloggy.com – she even dedicated a blog entry to me which made me cry but made be feel so good – check it out – http://www.queenbloggy.com/2009/08/my-guru.html) Summer has an adorable 2 ½ month old little girl named Ellie so we have lots to talk about all the time.
• Other acquaintances that I have seen maybe once but have checked in to offer support or to give Josh and I a couple of hours for dinner or a walk.  Too many to list but you know who you are!
• The ladies on Twinstuff Forum – this is a big one.  I don’t know how I would have made it through without the support and connections I have made through this online forum for twins and higher multiples.  I can ask a question or ask for support after a rough day and get 10 replies in a matter of minutes.  I have been on the forum since I was pregnant and talk to some women who are local and in the same situation and many more across the country and world.  It has been invaluable.

LIVE AND LEARN (things I would have done differently – c’mon, there is always something one would’ve changed):

• I didn’t work most of my pregnancy because I was preparing for the worst (and it really wasn’t the time to get a new job.)  Bedrest for weeks, pre-term labor, or any of the other multiple complications that can happen with a high risk pregnancy were in the back of my mind as a possibility.  It is possible I made it to 38 weeks because I was more relaxed than I had ever been in my whole life, however, in hindsight, I wish I would have done something even part-time to build up a part-time helper/nanny fund.  I think if I had someone with me 20 hours a week this experience would have been much different.  Maybe not, but I thought I could handle it alone and I do, although some days are survival mode, and having help would be such a weight off my shoulders.  By this fall I should be able to get a helper in here about 10 hours a week so I am really looking forward to it and will begin interviewing soon.
• I wish I would have read more.  Okay, this is weird because I read a lot about pregnancy but not a lot about baby’s first months.  Now I scramble and crave to read every second I have free…it was just not interesting at the time because I wasn’t living it, but believe me, it is of utmost interest now! J
• I wish I would have joined a twin mom’s group before I had the girls.  I am on the verge of joining one but it has taken me this long to get around to it and I think it would have been very beneficial if I was already immersed.  Still, it will be fun to get together in person for “play dates” with our non-walking children, to share stories, and hopefully make lifelong friends.  I will let you know how it turns out!

ENDING THOUGHTS

Again, I am sorry for the very long post.  It was pretty fun to write and writing de-stresses me.  At 5 months I can happily say that even though it isn’t always easier, it is very different week to week, which makes everything seem a little more manageable.  I never know what to expect.  I did come through “survival mode” though and can see more clearly now.  I am more confident.  I am having fun with Zoe and Jude and we are very, very close, as it should be. 

In closing, I cannot say enough wonderful things about my husband Josh.  He comes home and immediately helps out, or gives me a break.  The girls smile and giggle with him and are absolutely enamoured.  Josh is so even keeled, he rarely gets upset and I KNOW this was a huge adjustment for him, especially with Jude having colic early on.  We all rely on him and he comes though.  He bathes the girls most nights and he is so protective.  He is always worried when the next time will be that I can take time for myself or go out for a walk to de-stress.  I am the luckiest woman in the world.  He is so hands on and he doesn’t always get the credit.  Not to mention he is supporting us all – sigh – how quickly we all grow up.  Lastly, he is the only adult I see everyday so he freely lets me vent or whine or complain about how hard this is constantly and he doesn’t hold it against me.  Jeez – I just started crying writing this.  I knew this was going to be a hard year and we laugh because we understand now how 50% of twin marriages end in divorce.  We are in agreement that if we didn’t already have a fantastic relationship, this could really break a person.  And yet, there is something so rewarding about it too – we recently looked at each other when the girls were sleeping and talked about how we thought we were really handling it and getting through it.  We see it getting easier and we are so in love with Zoe and Jude – what an awesome experience this is.  We wouldn’t change a thing.  Onward we go!

Love to you all,
Betsy